How I use my toddler's human design to set better boundaries

Because saying "no" to a 3-year-old is an Olympic-level test of patience and resolve

As a mom to a 3-year old emotional manifesting generator, I’m basically getting a masters degree in the art and science of boundaries. I never knew there were so many boundaries to set: don’t hit your sister, don’t drink the bath water, don’t throw your food on the ground, don’t pee in the trash can (yep…that actually happened).

Of course I know children need boundaries. It’s an important part of the developmental process. It’s healthy for toddlers to experience limitations and to navigate the internal discomfort that accompanies these restrictions. Frustrated screams, foot stomps, hysterical sobs…all of it will eventually lead them to become more capable, confident adults. (At least, so I’m told).

But it’s also exhausting to have the same conversation ten times a day. To ask them not to do something, only to watch them do it with a menacing smile on their face. To have them call your bluff, because they know you’d prefer not to enforce the threat you made. To dry their tears when a tantrum inevitably ensues.

Fortunately, this is another part of parenting that becomes easier with the help of human design. Human design may not be able to prevent you from having to set boundaries with your child(ren), but it can help you do so in a more supportive and effective way.

To make my case, I thought I’d share how I use my son’s chart to help me set better boundaries.

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First of all, I remind myself that as a Manifesting Generator, it’s his job to challenge me.

His energy is meant to be confronting. He’s meant to move fast, to be physical, and to initiate new or different ways of doing things. The last thing I want to do is punish him for it.

I try to keep this in mind when determining which boundaries are worth setting. Does it really matter whether he finishes the puzzle he started? Do I really care whether he wears shoes at the playground? Is it actually beneficial for him to sit still while I read him a bedtime story?

So many of the boundaries or “rules” that are commonplace in households with young kids are based on a standardized, (in my opinion) outdated approach to parenting. The problem is that many of these rules don’t take the individual nature of the child — or the values of the family — into account. And as a result, they can do more harm than good.

As a manifesting generator, Leo will fall asleep a lot faster when he’s gotten all his sacral energy out. So jumping on the bed and doing summersaults while I read him a book is actually good for his sleep hygiene. However, his younger sister — a projector — would benefit from a calmer evening routine.

By being mindful of your child’s natural energy when determining what you will or will not allow — instead of regurgitating what your parents used to say — you also increase the likelihood that when you do set a boundary, your child is prepared to honor it.

Because I’m generally fine with Leo going barefoot, when I ask him to wear shoes to the grocery store, he does so without complaint. Because he recognizes it must actually matter to me.

Second, as an emotional authority, I know that his first reaction to anything — especially some type of limitation — is going to be intense.

Depending on his mood (which varies quite a bit…), the response to a boundary can range from a frustrated grunt to a 30-minute tantrum. Thanks to human design, I know that this is a normal part of how he’s designed to process the world. He has to ride his emotional wave and that takes time. I can’t rush him along. All I can do is stand by him and stand my ground as he surfs the highs and lows of his feelings.

Understanding his authority allows me to anticipate this and prevents me from saying things like: “Stop being so emotional”, “It’s not that big of a deal”, or “ugh, do we have to go through this every single time?!”

Don’t get me wrong, I am most definitely thinking these things, but know he can’t help these big surges of emotion. Besides, I know that he will eventually mellow out enough for us to have a conversation and that there’s no use trying to reason with him while he’s on his wave.

Third, I consider his profile when determining the best way to communicate a boundary.

With a 1-line in his profile, I know that Leo is more likely to accept (and honor) a boundary when he understands why I’m setting it. Providing background, examples, and solid reasoning is important. “Because I said so” does not fly with this kid.

With a 3-line in his profile (and a healthy dose of manifestor energy), I also know that he’s naturally going to want to test the boundary before complying with it. He’ll flirt with the line and probably intentionally step over it at least once to see how I’ll respond. Occasionally, I actually encourage this and we role play different scenarios so he has a chance to get the defiance out of his system before there are any real consequences.

Moreover, because 1/3’s can be quite self-critical, I’ve learned to start by reminding him that just because he did a bad thing, does not mean he’s a bad kid (thank you, Dr. Becky!).

Finally, I remember that the likelihood of a positive outcome increases dramatically when we feel connected.

When it comes to having hard conversations with anyone — but especially with kids — it’s essential to connect first. A child will feel more open to listening and receiving your feedback when they believe you genuinely have their best interest at heart.

In my parenting by design course, I share a little tantrum toolkit for each energy type which includes a step-by-step process for responding to big emotions. And the first step is always to connect.

How to do this most effectively depends on your child and there’s a lot you can learn from studying their chart. For example, as a manifesting generator with a 1/3 profile, the best way to connect with Leo is through physical touch and by letting him know that he can make mistakes without rocking the foundation of our relationship: “I love you so much and you are a brilliant, kind boy. But what you just did is not very kind and I’m not going to allow you do that again.”

But here’s how the other energy types may prefer to connect:

• Projectors » Make them feel seen. Get on your knees so you’re on eye level with them and acknowledge their feelings: “I see you. I know you don’t like that your sister is playing with your toys. That makes complete sense. And, I’m not going to allow you to hit her like that.”

• Manifestors » Honor their independence: “I know you’re angry and you have every right to be. But it doesn’t mean you can hit your sister. Why don’t you take some time to yourself — go run around, go scream in a pillow, or do whatever is going to feel best for you right now — and when you’re ready to talk, let’s talk about what you CAN do instead.”

• Generators (& ManGens) » Physical touch & humor. They’re wired for joy and these situations are often not very joyful, so using humor can sometimes do wonders at diffusing the tension and facilitating connection: “Hey, come here — let me give you a hug. Do you understand why I had to intervene there? I can’t allow you to hit your sister. She may be small now, but one day she’ll be bigger than you and she may want to hit you back!”

• Reflectors » Co-regulate through breathing and make sure you’re in an environment that feels safe, supportive environment to them: “Let’s go outside for a minute. […] Put your hand on my chest and let’s take a few deep breaths together and I want to hear BIG sighs as you exhale. One, two, three. Feel better? Now let’s talk about what happened.”

As always, I’d be remiss not to remind you that these are personal examples. I am not a physician or licensed psychologist — and I am by no means guaranteeing that your child(ren) will respond to the same approach my son does. However, if nothing else, I hope this post encourages you to re-evaluate what boundaries are worth setting and how to set them in a way that may be even more supportive for your child and your family.

If you do so, please share your observations or learnings in the comments below. And if you’d like to learn more about your child’s design, this is a great place to start.